Hide and Seek

She’s still not stable.  Two days ago I finally saw why people think that schizophrenics have multiple personalities.  She was roaming around the house weeping and mumbling.  Suddenly, she would stop and start talking clearly as if she hadn’t shed a tear.  Twenty minutes later she would pull her hair, stomp her feet, and say, “I’m BORED!!!! Tell me what to DOOOOOOOO!”  Then, the wailing, weeping, and rolling around on the bed would start all over again.  Twelve hours of this.  At some point she became paranoid and starting running around the house, hiding from the men that follow her everywhere.  “Mom, Mom! A man just walked up the stairs!”

I can’t let myself feel.  Nothing can come to the surface.

And then I heard this song.  And, I cried.  One year ago, she was the Grace I’ve always known.  Today, that Grace is nowhere to be found.  She went away, and, oh God, how I miss her.  It’s going to get better.  It has to.  Right?

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7 thoughts on “Hide and Seek

  1. “Today, that Grace is nowhere to be found.” That really made it sink in for me, and make me not want to take my kids for granted ever, even more so than when my oldest son’s best friend died last year. xo, LJ, xo.

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