My 16-year old was home from school suffering with some sort of stomach bug yesterday. Grace was running around the house trying to get away from the armed gunmen that have returned with gusto (I’m not kidding), my 14 year-old was lounging on the couch, and Milly, my ASD 9-year old was sitting next to me playing a game on the laptop. It’s always an adventure in our home.
My oldest girl was watching Psych, one of my favorite TV shows. What can I say? I love the meta-humor.
Anyway, Grace settled down and fell asleep (thank God!), and the four of us continued watching the Psych episode that had been streaming courtesy of Netflix. As it ended, the character Woody, the coroner, announced to the Chief of Police:
“In my dreams, you’ll always be the queen of doing me!”
I choked on my coffee (“Wha…? They don’t usually say things like that, do they?”), and Milly said, “What does that mean?! Why are you laughing? What does he mean by that? I feel like you’re not telling me something? Come on, Mom! I wanna know! Does he mean…uh…kissing?”
The 16-year old decides that now is the time to add her two cents. “Yeah, Mom, tell her. In fact, we’d all like to hear what it means,” she innocently said, blinking her eyes.
“Traitor,” I muttered.
“I’m ready to know, Mom! Tell me!” Milly practically shouted.
“Okay, well, I guess it means that he really wants to date her,” I carefully explained.
My 16-year old daughter started rolling around on the couch laughing, and my 14-year old daughter hid her face. “Oh yeah, he really wants to date her. Really, really wants to date her!”
“That’s it? Just dating?” Milly asked suspiciously.
Narrowing my eyes,” Well, he would kiss her, too.”
“Kissing? And dating? So, that’s what he meant then? I still feel like you’re leaving something out. I’m ready to hear the truth of it, Mom.” (No, she really isn’t.)
Sighing, “Okay, okay. He wants to kiss her after the date. And they wouldn’t wear shirts. And they would roll around a lot while kissing…WITHOUT wearing their shirts. That’s what Woody wants to do with the chief.”
Milly’s eyes widened. She gasped. “Uh..” She started making choking sounds. My 14-year old was still hiding her face, but I could see the shudders of laughter whipping through her. My 16-year old, on the other hand, had fallen on the floor at this point. She was holding her stomach and laughing.
“Kissing? Without shirts? And rolling around? I….uh…” Poor Milly looked like she was ready to have a seizure.
“Yep. Shirtless kissing and rolling around,” I said matter-of-factly. “But, honey, this is a TV show, and co-workers really shouldn’t behave like that, and pay attention to what the chief said. She scolded Woody. She’s a married woman with a baby. She’s having none of Woody’s bad behavior. She only kisses her husband without a shirt. She wouldn’t kiss or date or do shirtless kissing with Woody. That’s why Shawn and Gus are dragging him out her office. He’s being disrespectful by saying that to her, and she looks like she might arrest Woody. He’s really a rather impertinent man!”
Milly started making weird sounds. A strange chortling noise. She was clearly uncomfortable by the notion of Topless Kissing Rumpus. I don’t know what’s going to happen to her when she finds out about…God help us all..SEXY RUMPUS!!!
Yep. This is what it’s like–talking sex with an Aspie.