Grace isn’t the only one who takes medications to feel better. Almost everyone in our family does including me.
Enter Topamax and Elavil. Topamax is an anticonvulsant with some magical off-label uses one of which is migraine prevention. Without it, I can easily get 20 migraines a month. Topamax is also used as a mood stabilizer, and it has done wonders for my mood. I never knew my moods were unstable until I started taking Topamax. Gone are my hypomanic days and long months of melancholy. I don’t miss the epic sadness, but, boy, do I miss my days of “getting shit done” and being able to read a novel in a day. Eadaoin has inherited her cyclothymia from me which is why her psychiatrist was so willing to pay attention to her symptoms. Well, that and Grace’s issues. Topamax has made me feel…stupid because it has slowed down my brain’s processing speed. That’s what anticonvulsants do after all. I love/hate it. Elavil, on the other hand, is a tricyclic antidepressant used off-label to treat migraines and fibromyalgia. It was given to me by my neurologist to treat both of these conditions. It works very well for me. It’s also very soporific, therefore, I only take it at night. Usually…
Yesterday, I was overcome by what I’ll call the Topamax Stupids. Or, you can call it Fibro Fog. Either way, it’s what happens when I don’ t sleep well for days and wake up in a state of pure idiocy. It’s like being neurologically impaired. I’m not processing information well. My left hand tends to be uncoordinated, and I usually break a dish. My children could swindle me for every cent I have in those moments, and I have, in the past, agreed to some absurd things.
“Hey Mom, can we cook the entire pound of bacon and eat it while watching Sponge Bob?”….”Sure….”
“Hey Mom, can we just eat the entire container of Nutella with spoons for breakfast?”…”Sure…”
“Hey Mom, can I skip school and stay home? I have block scheduling today. Who needs two hours of P.E.?”….”Sure….”
“Hey Mom, can I borrow $40 from your wallet?”…”Sure…”
“Hey Mom, should I use a Sharpie on my eyebrows?”…”Sure…”
In my state of I’m-The-Village-Idiot-And-You-Should-Totally-Try-To-Sell-Me-Insurance yesterday morning, I made a terrible mistake. I accidentally took my evening dose of Elavil with my morning dose of Topamax. Do you know how bad that is? By 8:45 AM, I was completely sedated, stumbling around the house, unable to think clearly. I wanted to go back to bed, but I had an entire day before me; I had no idea how I was going to make it.
At midday, a friend dropped by for a spot of tea, and, as I was walking into the dining room, I failed to notice that my pajama pants were slipping down my hips. She didn’t say anything to me, but as I turned around into the kitchen, I noticed that I would have been practically flashing her! My pants were about to fall off! How did I miss that? Later, I attempted to talk to a neighbor, but I was still slurring my words. I think I appeared drunk. I tried desperately to get my act together, but the Elavil had such a hold on my brain that I couldn’t even muster an expression. I was completely tamped down in speech and affect.
By the time evening came around I took my evening medications and crawled into bed. Thank the good Lord, the day was done! This morning, my husband laughed and said, “Do you remember what you said to me last night?” I stopped and tried to recall what I might have said. I am known to talk in my sleep. He started laughing again. “Oh no…what did I say?” He slapped his leg and said, “You accused me of secretly keeping a list of big-breasted women from all over town for an anonymous man at work!” I covered my mouth and laughed. “I think I might remember that! Was I dreaming?! I think I was really mad. I thought it was real!” My husband was too busy laughing at me to answer, but he nodded his head.
Thanks to an overdose of Elavil (well, an overdose for me) I turned cray-cray in my sleep and accused my husband of lechery along with appearing drunk to my neighbor as well as inadvertently disrobing in front of my friend. What can I say? Better living through chemistry?
Maybe? Sort of? At least someone’s having fun even if it’s at my expense, right?