I have nothing fabulous to report, but, at the moment, I’m stuck inside. Doireann, Grace, and Milly are all ill, and I’m playing nursemaid. I’ve been in the house with them since Monday. I’m going a little crazy. Every time I try to sit down and do anything or go into the kitchen to attempt to cook or even go into the basement, someone is calling after me. Milly needs her inhaler. Doireann needs tea. Grace is seeing The Creepy Lady. I’m running to and fro attempting to make sure everyone is okay, and my husband, of course, is at a big conference for work. He got home at 11 PM last night after I had put everyone to bed. Doireann and Grace were sleeping in the living room because that’s where they’ve been since Monday. Eadaoin is having a crisis about school so she’s been coming home crying. She copes by cooking and sculpting. Yesterday, she tried to make meringue cookies sans recipe. Why? Meringue anything is a pain in the ass! She’s got some executive planning problems for sure, but I knew that. I walked into the kitchen to find her attempting to caramelize sugar on unbaked meringue cookies with a butane lighter. “What are you doing?!”…”What recipe are you using?”…”What are you doing with a lighter?”
Needless to say, I’m feeling a little…squirrelly and in need of interaction with other adults other than my schizophrenic and autistic children.
I will say that Grace needs to see another neurologist. She’s home with one of her mega-migraines. She’s hallucinating and paranoid. She’s pale, and she has dark circles under her eyes. I haven’t seen any severe psychosis since she started the Lithium, but these really bad migraines seem to bring an onset of psychosis with them. I’m concerned because of the neurodegeneration that comes along with schizophrenia. Is she getting these horrible headaches due to some kind of white matter degeneration? She’s had two MRIs in 15 months. If she had another MRI, I wonder if there would be a measurable difference in white matter when all three MRIs are compared. What I can say for sure is that she’s not the same child she was 12 months ago. I would really like to know what is going on in her head when these migraines occur. They last for about 3 to 5 days. She’s in such pain, and I feel helpless to do anything for her.
Then, there’s the part of me that is clawing the walls to get out of here. I won’t lie. I had to drive to Walgreen’s last night to pick up Grace’s Lithium, and it was like heaven to me. Away from the house for ten minutes. I blasted the music and enjoyed a few moments alone and felt almost defeated when I had to go back into the house. I think I feel lonely. I don’t like feeling locked in my own house.
I remember when I was pregnant with all my babies. As a mother, I thought about what life might be like. I didn’t imagine this, but there are no guarantees in life. As I write this, I hear the voice of Forrest Gump in my mind: “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.”