The League of Ugly Shirted Gentlemen and Space Hookers

I’m making pancakes for BFF, Grace, and Milly.  There was a sleepover here last night.  I was the omnipotent judge of the “Barbie Dresses As…” contest, and BFF won.  Her Barbie as Tackiest Waitress put her over the top although Grace’s Barbie as Scariest American Idol Contestant got her pretty close to a win.  Everyone did really well last night which is great because I took two muscle relaxers before bed.  I overdid it yesterday, and I knew I was going to pay for it if I didn’t actually get some pain-free sleep.

So, this morning, as I’ve been flipping pancakes, sipping my beloved coffee, and listening to the girls continue to play Barbies in the living room, I’ve been laughing my ass off in horror and denial at these photos and captions provided by Plaid Stallions.  I’ve decided that you need to see them, too; so, in an effort to encourage you to partake of my morning merriment I am providing you with a teaser.

A preface: I just don’t remember 70s fashion being that awful.  I mean, I remember Burt Reynolds posing for Cosmo bare-assed because my mother taped it to her closet door, and I remember thinking that I didn’t like his furry chest or ‘stache.  I also remember watching “Magnum P.I.” and thinking that Tom Selleck’s shorts were really short for someone with such long legs (yes, I was a strange child).  And, yes, I remember never liking wide-legged pants even when everyone was wearing them.  Even when that’s all that was available.  I thought they were tacky and awkward.  Lastly, I recall my father wearing Hush Puppies shoes, and I thought they were the ugliest shoe ever made.  What did I know? I was four.  Who listens to a 4 year-old when it comes to fashion? This compilation from various catalogs published in the 70s, however, just confirms what my childish memory tries to convince my now adult mind.  The 1970s were many things–fashionable, however, they were not.  Here are a few of my favorites:

ugly

The League of Ugly Shirted Gentlemen There have been many new members to the league over the past year but the original five tight shirted lonely guys will always be my favourite.

pajama3

Creepiest Dress Alike Ever This isn’t a good look for anybody, let alone a husband and wife, this photo is enhanced by the creepy over zealous husband’s expression and the wife’s look of terror. “See I told you Mother’s night gowns would come in handy”

plaidstallions

The Most Over Confident Men in the World These two delights look like they’re standing on the corner of “Drunk girl” and “need a ride home”. Their faces are the adult version of a child at Christmas, without all that innocence and a whole bunch of cocaine.

spacehooker

Space Hookers: These disco numbers look as if they were props from “Buck Rogers visits a Massage Parlour” and yes, they still have camel toe in the future.

Last but certainly not least…

beatings

The Bully Magnet: The unwanted love child from the union of a jumpsuit and a Catholic schoolgirl’s skirt, I can’t imagine many of these were worn twice.

What’d I tell you? It’s glorious in its awfulness.  I encourage you to take a step back in time and visit The Best of Fashion Mockery–Reliving the 70s One Catalog Page at a Time.  The power of Brick Mantooth and Man Mates has the strength to lighten the load of even the heaviest day.

Now…go forth and laugh!

(Thank you, Plaid Stallions, for your brilliance in writing clever captions and for providing us with amazing but sad photos from our past.)

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23 thoughts on “The League of Ugly Shirted Gentlemen and Space Hookers

    • My mother had a pair of snake-skin strappy heels she wore with her jeans–that she had ironed! Yes…the 70s. Looking back at old photos, I seemed to be dressed like a boy in all plaids and browns and navies. ::shudder:: i won’t even discuss my haircut. Helloooo, bowl cut!

  1. Sadly, I know the bully magnet all too well. Apparently, it used to be okay to dress one’s daughter in clothes no one should be seen in. Jumpers. Leisure suits for kids. Velour. *shudder* And Lace, lots and lots of lace.

    • I had a velour shirt and a plaid skirt. i thought it was AWESOME! And, a pink shirt with a hummingbird iron-on and jeans with tulips on the back pockets. I’m serious. I thought I was hawt stuff. Oh boy….

      • I didn’t own jeans until jr. high, but I did have lots of corduroy. I swear, you could hear me coming or going. I think it was my mom’s way of knowing where I was at any time. I also had a plaid romper that I thought was cute. Very Heidi-esque. Not to mention the loooooong skirts and dresses in Easter egg pastels.

      • You didn’t own jeans until you were in jr. high? Oh my…that’s not right. Well, of course, I DID take my fashion cues from “Xanadu” being ever desirous of emulating Olivia Newton-John in every way. So far as I knew, she never wore jeans either. So, I don’t know what I’m even talking about. It was leg warmers, roller skates, and hair ribbons all the way for me!

      • Nope, I really didn’t. It was cords, dresses/skirts and other pants for the most part. Perhaps this is why I am rebelling against dresses now. Well, that and the painful rubbing of my thighs. Ah, leg warmers. Those were the days. 🙂

    • See? I don’t recall the 70s looking this bad either! I’m glad I’m not the only one. If anyone could rock a retro look, it’d be you, Mr. M.

      • lol I was imagining me in tigt bellw bottoms and an afro. I should do that one Halloween. I have been reading your posts and it’s made me think a lot about the prospect of having kids. I am always impressed by how you hold it together even in those moments you write about where you claim you dont have it together. (Random Statement)

      • You should totally do that! It would be awesome. Kids change your life. For the better, I think, but it definitely removes any heliocentric tendencies we might have…And I feel like I should say not be impressed by me, but I’ll thank you at the same time. Nice to see you again, Mr. Mary! Thanks for visiting me!

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