Now that the can o’ worms otherwise known as sex has been opened in our house, I am being pestered nonstop, and not in a good way.
Milly is fascinated by babies and how they are made. She has applied her autistic mind to the subject, and my sex life is under the microscope. Every time she sees a man and a woman doing anything remotely sexual or affectionate on the tele she must now inquire about my sexual preferences.
We were watching a show, and a husband was kissing his wife’s neck. Milly turned to me and said, “Dad kisses your neck. Is that something you like? Does Dad kiss your neck often? Is that something you do when you lock the door? Neck kissing?” I just sat there. I think my mouth was hanging open. A bird could have nested in my throat. She just kept talking. “Do you suppose they might have sex? I wonder if they might make a baby. Do you like sex?” While a bird was building a nest in my gullet, my eyes just fell out of my head. I have discussed sex and sexuality with three other girls none of whom have an autism spectrum disorder. They never asked for specifics. This girl is altogether different. I had to get myself together. She was looking at me expecting an answer. I knew that I had to say something! “Milly, I want you to ask questions, but I am not going to discuss my sexual likes and preferences with you. It’s just not something that is appropriate. You are ten years-old. I think it’s enough that you know how babies are made, how they are born, what a man and a woman do to conceive a baby, and what sex is. What your dad and I do when the door is locked is simply not for you to know. That’s why the door is locked. We are adults, and you are not a part of that relationship. That sort of information would be too heavy for you to carry and is simply not for you to know.” Being who she is, she simply said, “Oh, okay.”
As soon as that conversation ended, Eadaoin dramatically entered the room and declared, “Ermigerd, health class was so weird today! We watched the weirdest movie!!!!” I was intrigued and fearful at the same time. Not being one to shy away from a challenge, I asked, “What did you watch?” Eadaoin almost shrieked, “My health teacher very enthusiastically made us watch a movie on masturbation. LIke, eeeeew!” My husband and I tried not to laugh, but we couldn’t help ourselves. “Wait, they showed you a movie about masturbation? What is this? Sex ed in the progressive North? Back in Texas we were just taught to fear the penis. That’s it. The penis is bad. It is to be feared above all else. If you see one, then run. Run away. Don’t touch one. Don’t be near one. Don’t look at one. Better yet, don’t spend time with anyone who actually has one just to be on the safe side. Protect your vaginas, ladies! Protect your vaginas. Keep your hymens intact!!!! They’re actually teaching you about masturbation?” I was shocked. My husband was trying desperately to restrain himself. “So, what did this film depict exactly?” he asked, trying to look serious and sincere. Eadaoin inhaled deeply and said, “Well, first of all, it was hosted by some gross boy. Like a 17 year-old or something. I mean, why? I’m sorry, but I am just not all that comfortable listening to some dude talk to me about….THAT!” I stood in the kitchen biting my lip. My husband stood next to me nodding his head, turning all shades of red, trying desperately not to explode from holding back his laughter. “You guys, the worst thing though was how the video ended. This gross, gross guy was standing there looking at us with this creepy look on his face. And, he said right before it ended, ‘I have some time right now…’ like he was gonna run off and, you know, DO IT!” That was the moment that my husband lost it. I was stunned. While my husband was practically rolling around on the kitchen floor, I had to ask just to be certain, “You mean the dude actually ended the video with the implication that he was going to….” My husband interrupting, “…crank one off!” He continued to laugh, tears streaming down his face. Eadaoin shrieked, “Dad! EEEW! You are so gross!” I just stood there taking in the scene.
“What else are they teaching you in health class?”
“Well, Mom, there’s that video about the fifty nifty sex terms, and then there was that one about the freshman girl sleeping with the senior guy who then started sleeping around. Uh, hmmm. What else? I’m thinking.”
I used to think that putting a condom on a banana was scandalous. Sitting in a room full of adolescent boys watching another adolescent boy teach me about masturbation?
I would just die.
I’m so glad I’m 41.
I’m just sayin’.