Milly Meets Lavender

Recall how I spoke about Milly, my Aspie 10 year-old, and her new fascination with sexuality.  We had The Talk with her, and now she’s bursting with questions about “doing it”.  I thought we were finally past the worst of it.  She stopped asking me if I liked “neck kissing” like the ladies on TV.  She stopped asking my husband and me what we were really doing in our bedroom when our door was locked.  After all, we don’t always lock the door.  Why lock the door only sometimes? Were we having sex?

Aspies are not subtle.  It’s positively grating and unnerving, but, on some level, I thought it might be good for me.  Let’s just get it all out there.  Yes, men have penises.  Women have vaginas.  Men put their penises in women’s vaginas.  They roll around a lot when doing this.

It doesn’t sound the least bit fun when I put it like that, does it? I’m trying to imagine some guy in a bar saying to me, “So, I’d really like to put my penis in your vagina.  Whadya say?” I shudder at the thought.  I think that’s how Milly is imagining it.  She is very literal in her interpretation of events.  Sex must sound positively disgusting to her then.

So, imagine Milly’s confusion and my husband’s amusement when, last night, Milly decides to go digging in his sock drawer for a flashlight.  The sock drawer seems to be a place to hide things for many people.  For years, we have hidden a variety of things under the socks in my husband’s sock drawer because the girls weren’t tall enough to reach it.  Secondly, there has never been a reason for any of the children to go looking in their father’s sock drawer.  They don’t wear men’s socks after all.

Milly is different.  She thinks like her father.  He keeps a flashlight in his sock drawer ergo she will look in his sock drawer for a flashlight.  Would she think to ask out of respect for our privacy? Hell, no.  Her only goal is to find a flashlight.  Did she find what she was looking for? No.  She found something altogether different.

She found Lavender.  My vibrator.

She hoisted the lavender vibe high in the air and declared more than asked, “Wow! What’s THIS?” I wasn’t home.  Thank God.  My husband looked up from his computer, and, apparently, tried to look insouciant.

“It’s nothing.”

“But, what is it?”

“Nothing.  Put it back.”

“What is it?”

“It’s not a flashlight.  Put it back.”

She reluctantly returned Lavender to her resting place and continued searching for a flashlight.

My husband quietly informed me of last night’s events this morning as I drank my morning coffee.  Not only does Milly find everything I try to hide, but she also has the hearing of a dog–“I can hear you, you know,” she shouted from two rooms away.  I asked my husband if Milly figured out what Lavender was for.  He just laughed and shook his head.

I can see it now.  “Does Dad massage you with that purple thing? Why is it shaped like a penis? What do you do with it? Where do you put it? Why do you have one? Does it belong to Dad? Does he use it on his feet? Is that why he has it in his sock drawer? Why is it purple?”  The next time the door is locked: “What’s going on in there? I hear a noise.  Is that purple thing out?”

The sad thing is…this is the most action Lavender has seen in a year.

I gotta get these kids out of the house more.


2 thoughts on “Milly Meets Lavender

  1. Ha Ha! What a funny story and I can’t wait for the questions she’ll ask about “lavender.”

    When my son was 3 he found a natural colored fully erect dildo in my closet. My husband gave it to me (what a great gift, huh?) and I forget how it came about that my son discovered it. But I remember him holding it up and saying, “What’s this?” It is very real looking (and I don’t mean when a guy is flaccid.) I swiftly grabbed that thing and said, “Nothing, just something of Mommy’s” and I hid it away as quickly as possible. I feared I corrupted his thinking and he would forever have this image of a giant dildo in his little head. Looking back, 13 years later, I realize he probably didn’t know what it was since he had never seen a grown man’s erect penis. All the guilt I felt was my memories of what I did with that thing. Anyway, I still have it but it hasn’t been out of it’s hiding place lately.

    I keep a massaging vibrator under my bed all the time. This comes out to play almost every time my husband and I get together, which is, sadly, not that often after 25 years of marriage. My boys know it’s there but they’ve never used it or asked about it. I keep a small sock double wrapped on the head of the vibrator because the plastic is not comfortable next to my skin. I sometimes use the thing to get out kinks in my back so it doubles at a massager. But, I’m guessing when my boys become adults they may put two and two together and figure out what Mom used the always at the ready vibrator for. Or they may just not care.

    I just hope they don’t come across the dildo and my silver bullet. 🙂 Both are still hiding in the closet.

    Fern, who likes to be upfront about sexuality as much as you!

    • OMG…that is priceless. I think, at some point, your boys will most likely put two and two together. I recall realizing one day that my mother wasn’t just a mother. She was a human being as well. It was a very weird feeling. AND human beings…gulp…have SEX? It’s enough to make our children’s heads spin around. I think they can perhaps accept that sex was had to bring them into the world. But, that it was enjoyed? Nope, nope, nope. There was no enjoying. EVER! Thanks for your comment. I enjoyed reading it. Hope you’re doing well!!! xo

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